Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
-- Charles de Gaulle
. Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
-- DeSegur
I had a feeling once about Mathematics - that I saw it all. Depth beyond depth was revealed to me - the Byss and Abyss. I saw - as one might see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show - a quantity passing through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly why it happened and why the tergiversation was inevitable but it was after dinner and I let it go.
-- Winston Churchill
. All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
-- Steven Wright
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
--Steven Wright
. In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
-- Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
-- Steven Wright
. "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
-- Steven Wright
Every person who has not tasted the bitterness of despair has missed life's significance.
-- Soren Kierkegaard
. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-- From Lady Windermere's Fan, by Oscar Wilde
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.
Do not have sex with the authorities.
-- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in Life In Hell, by Matt Groening
. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
Every Communist must grasp the truth, "Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun."
-- Mao Tse-tung
. If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
-- Lauren Bacall
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
. For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity or perception to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, "Expeditions of an Untimely Man"
The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- Scratch a lover and find a foe!
-- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
. I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry
I spit on fools who fail to include breasts in their metaphysics.
-- Charles Simic
. It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away."
-- Abraham Lincoln
Nothing in America is so painful . . . as the lack of joy. Pleasure is frantic and bacchanalian, a matter of momentary oblivion, not of delighted self-expression. Men whose grandfathers danced to the music of the pipe in Balkan or Polish villages sit throughout the day glued to their desks, amid typewriters and telephones, serious, important and worthless. Escaping in the evening to a drink and a new kind of noise, they imagine that they are finding happiness, whereas they are finding only a frenzied and incomplete oblivion of the hopeless routine of money that needs money, using for the purpose the bodies of human beings whose souls have been sold into slavery.
-- Betrand Russell
. Every prospector drills many a dry hole, pulls out his rig, and moves on.
-- John L. Hess
The real question is not whether machines think but whether men do.
-- B.F. Skinner, in Contingencies of Reinforcement